Chris and I met when I was a senior in high school and he was a freshman at the local community college. We had gone to the same school and had mutual friends, but we never actually talked to each other until he had graduated. My best friend at the time, Laura, was really into my friend Bill. Bill was playing a little acoustic set at a coffee shop in the next town over with another friend of ours, Matt. Laura was iffy about whether she wanted to go or not, I think she was upset with Bill or maybe playing hard to get, one of those 17 year old girl things. She and I spent the afternoon shopping and debating if we were gonna go. I eventually decided that because I bought a cute new sweater, I really wanted to go to the show...! We decided to go at the last minute, and ran into some other friends from school. We were sitting at a big round table watching Bill and Matt play their set, when this boy walked in all by himself and sat at the table right in front of us. I recognized him, but I didn't know his name. He looked so cute, it was winter and he was all bundled up and had on these huge goofy mittens. I asked Laura if she knew him, but she said no. One of the other girls we were with did know him, and after I told her I thought he was cute she called him over to sit with us. I was dying of embarrassment, which is pretty ridiculous now, but I honestly was freaking out! Laura did most of the talking, he had squeezed his chair in next to her. She introduced us and started asking him about himself. All I remember he said was that he was planning on transferring to the Art Institute and that he had just gotten his first tattoos, stars on his tummy. I flipped out because I wanted to go to the Art Institute and I was planning on getting stars tattooed on my belly too! I thought it was a sign, haha!

We all ended up deciding to go to the movies after the set was over, so we went and saw Elf. There was a group of about a dozen of us. The theater was pretty full, and Laura and I were the first ones to sit down. Chris was the last to walk in, but he squeezed past a whole row of people to sit next to me! We talked through the whole movie about silly things, and I was falling for him already. When the movie was over, I knew I had to get his number, but I'd never done anything like that before. I couldn't find the right moment, there were too many people around, so eventually I bailed and went outside to wait for Laura. She came out a few minutes later and handed me a slip of paper with Chris's number on it, and said that he wanted me to call him!! I died, I couldn't believe it!

I called a few days later, and the first thing he said was "Hey, I'm naked!" (he had just gotten out of the shower!!). We made plans to see a movie, which we did, and we started hanging out all the time after that. Things were great, we fell for each other hard, but it didn't work out. Chris ended up breaking it off after a little while, and then we got back together and broke up again, and then a third time. Every time it was Chris doing the dumping, and I was crushed. I thought I was going to be with him forever, I was totally in love with him, and I couldn't believe he didn't feel the same way. After the last breakup, I was done. He had gone away to school and I was at community college at home, and I thought I'd never see him again. I actually harbored some pretty harsh feelings towards him. Eventually I started dating again, and forgot all about it.

A few years went by where I dated casually, but when I was about 20 I started dating a very nice guy. He was younger and wasn't really my type, but I grew to love him. He treated me very well and I was happy, but the spark wasn't there. I stayed with him though, and we made it through my first semester at Illinois State University. Right before finals, though, I came back from class and got on AIM, and almost instantly I got a message. I knew the screen name. It was Chris.

I was furious. I had written him off, I thought I'd never speak to him again. I was angry about how he'd treated me, and I thought he had no right to jump back into my life when I had finally healed. I told him this, too. All he did was apologize for that conversation. I cooled off a little, but I still didn't think we'd speak again after that. I had to go to class, so I said goodbye, and I thought that was that. In class though, I couldn't concentrate. All I could think about was getting back to my dorm and talking to Chris again. I finally got my chance, and we talked about everything for hours at a time over the next week or two. We ended up making plans to go to lunch over Christmas break. I was still dating the other guy, but I didn't think anything was going to come out of seeing Chris again.

We went to lunch at a little Italian place in our hometown. I had to pick him up, and on the drive to his house I started getting really nervous, to the point that I actually screamed/squealed in my car! He got in the car, and I knew then that I was fucked. We went to lunch and had a nice time, and afterward I took him home and went back to my house. I wanted to see him again though. Over the next week we hung out a lot. I would leave my boyfriend to go hang out with Chris. I know, that's terrible, but I couldn't bring myself to break up with the kid. Finally, though, I had to. Chris and I had stayed up until five in the morning, just sitting in my car in a parking lot, talking about everything. He told me that he couldn't picture me with the other guy... He talked about failed relationships that he'd had, and how he wanted to feel like a part of a team. I broke up with the other guy the next day, called Chris and got his voicemail. All I said was "I'm on your team now."

We've definitely had our ups and downs, and things are hard sometimes, but I have found the love of my life- again. He is my best friend. I can be silly and goofy and dumb with him and we just have fun. He makes me laugh every day, and he makes me feel like the most loved person in the world. I think what we have is more than that though, we are so strongly tied to each other that I will never have to be afraid of anything for the rest of my life. We are a team, we are partners in crime, and we are soulmates.

I love you friend.



  1. AHHH! I loove this. I'm so glad you're happy and in love. Life is good that way <3

  2. so i've been reading your blog for a few weeks now and i just want to say i think it's really cute :) i know this is an old post to comment on, but i saw you link to it as an answer to a formspring question recently and i just now got around to reading this post.

    all i can say is thank you for leaving that guy you were dating for chris. that guy is now my boyfriend of 3 years :)

    and now i'm officially creepy. i found your blog through your facebook since we have mutual friends. i just want to say that you're very different than i expected and i really like reading your blog! i've actually sort of been wanting to start a blog and yours is inspiring.

    again, i'm sorry if this is a really stalkerish comment. i don't mean it to be at all. i hope it doesn't upset you.

  3. @kelly: I'm not sure if you'll check back to see if I replied, but I thought I'd try anyway.

    Your comment was definitely a shock, but it's nice to hear! It's a weird situation and I don't really know what to say about all of it. Dan is a great guy, we just weren't right for each other. I'm glad he was able to find someone who was a better fit. I've always felt guilty about how things worked out, but now I know it's for the best!

    You should start a blog, it's rocky at first but you'll get the hang of it eventually! Feel free to email me if you need any pointers.

    No need to apologize for sounding creepy/stalkerish, it's a little weird, but not in a bad way...


  4. thank you so much for not being too creeped out. i debated whether or not i should say anything, but i am just a really curious person and it got the best of me. it's been such a long time now that i guess i figured it was alright.

    anyway, dan hasn't a clue that i've been reading your blog, and i think it should probably stay that way. if i get around to starting a blog anytime soon, i'll let you know for sure, and then maybe we can be blog friends :)

    thanks again for being understanding and not too creeped out. sorry i'm sort of being anonymous too.


Hey there! Thanks so much for your comment! I read every one I get, and I try to reply as much as I can. You can also email me if you want! susannahbean AT gmail DOT com.

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