For those of you who are new to these parts, let me introduce to you the sort-of regular kinda series thing in which I ramble on and on about some insecurity or internal conflict I have and, in that so-sleepy-you-feel-drunk late night haze, I actually hit publish. Usually I title these posts Late Night Ramblings, but sometimes I don't, and sometimes they aren't written late at night. This one is both of those things, and it will surely be very rambling. So bear with me :)
Since hitting that pretty big milestone of 1000 followers the other day, I've been thinking a lot about this whole blogging thing. I truly never thought I'd have a blog that people were into, and I'm still sort of shocked that that number has grown as it has. Here's why this is weird to me... I don't feel like I fit in with most of the bloggers I know. I read a fairly substantial group of blogs, most of which you probably know, and I don't feel like I have much in common with them. Sure, I love thrifting and vintage dresses, but as a person I feel like the odd one out most of the time. A big difference between me and (what seems like) everyone else is that I'm not an overly positive person. It seems like most of the bloggers I read are besties with positivity. Yeah, not me. I have plenty of crap days. I'm a happy person, but I'm also realistic. If I have a bad day, I don't want to force myself to look at the positive side. Sometimes I want to be pissed off and yell and cry and feel sorry for myself. Sometimes that feels a hell of a lot better than deluding myself into positivity. Now, I'm not saying anything is wrong with those lovely ladies who are good at finding the positive side to a shitty situation. In fact, I admire them. I just don't know how to do it. And frankly, it's not in my character to be that kind of person. If it works for you, that's awesome. But I say if you're having a bad day, own it. Go through all those negative emotions and the crankiness and bummer attitude. I think the key to remaining sane and rational is knowing when to be done with it, but as long as you can figure that part out I say roll with the negative. Being positive is great, but don't deny your feelings if you don't want to.
Here's another thing: I don't like everybody. There are some bloggers out there who honestly make me mad. The smugness and superiority complex that blogging can induce is outrageous. There's really only one personal run-in I've had where someone was completely and totally ass-hatish to me, but there are plenty of other bloggers who just rub me the wrong way. And there's nothing wrong with that. Just because we're all bloggers doesn't mean we have to all get along. It can become troublesome if you can't let that go, or you can't keep it to yourself, but I don't like feeling pressured to like everyone. Maybe I'm creating that pressure for myself, but I feel like it's there, and I'm not too into it. I've been trying to come up with some clever analogy for what blogging is like and why it's ok to not like everyone, but nothing is working... The closest I got is that blogging is like a mall, you don't have to shop everywhere.... That sorta works, right?
Then the next thing that I've been pondering is, like, what the hell do people even blog about?? I seriously ask myself this multiple times a week. I think it's because I've been in a rut, I've really only been taking awkward blurry shots of the clothes I wear and writing a little blurb about them. I feel sort of disconnected from this space, mostly because I haven't had the time or coherence to sit down and actually write. Like I'm doing now. So maybe this one will go away soon! I sometimes feel like I don't have much to offer in terms of content though, and that's something I'd like to fix. But I don't do anything exciting, I work a lame job and come home and sit on the couch and watch Netflix with my boyfriend. Sometimes I dress up. Sometimes I make stuff. Usually my day-to-day is pretty boring though. So I find myself struggling to come up with stuff to write about, but that's dumb because this whole thing is supposed to be about my life, even if my life is pretty routine. I really like writing these posts though, so if I can get over the anxiety of writing (and sometimes posting) them, then that'll give me something real to share. Don't hold it against me when I do an outfit post though, because sometimes a girl's gotta show off a cute dress...!
The other thing is that I suck at a lot of the stuff that seems to be necessary to bloggers. I don't "network", and I DO NOT do well with deadlines. I don't talk to people very much, because I'm an awkward and fairly shy person. I'd love to meet people and develop closer relationships with some of them, but making the first move is terrifying. I do my best on Twitter, but even then I keep quiet most of the time. I don't know what it is, because as a blogger I feel like I should be chatty and I should want to talk and connect with people. Which I do, I just can't muster the cajones to do it. Plus I'm easily distracted. Gimme some yarn and a TV and I can zone out for hours. Not a good recipe for getting to know people. I also can't get things done in a timely fashion to save my life. Emails that need replying to often get lost, or things that I'm supposed to do get forgotten. It's a problem that has hounded me my whole life, homework was always done last minute, and important things were too easily forgotten or misplaced. But now I don't have the fear of consequence looming over my head (I was a goody-two-shoes who never wanted to upset the teacher, so I would squeak by at the last minute. And I got really good at forging my dad's signature...). With this blogging life o' mine, it's all on me. And I am a very irresponsible adult. So to all of you who have emailed me and I never wrote you back, or if I forgot about something I said I'd do for you, I'm sorry. Also, if you were thinking of suggesting a planner or schedule of some sort, I've already tried every possible option. The thing about planners is that you have to remember to use them... And I don't do that.
I think those are the big bullet points I've had rolling around in my head for the last couple of weeks. I don't really have any solutions or even game-plan for dealing with any of that, but it was nice to get it out there. I don't even feel like I have a definitive thing to say about these ideas, they're just sort of there... And, truthfully, I don't really feel like I need to change any of it. I am this person, and I can make myself the best me I can, but I don't wanna change myself to do it. I'm cranky, shy, and chronically late and forgetful, but that's me! And I'm cool with that.
What I hope to accomplish with this post (and the others that have come before it), is to maybe make you feel a little less alone. Maybe you feel something of the stuff I feel, but you don't see many people talking about it. Now you know that I feel that way too. Or maybe you think I'm full of crap, which is cool too! I'm off to bed, now, so goodnight, and thanks for listening.