Late night ramblings.

I have a general rule where I don't let myself write blog posts after midnight. Something about being up by myself late at night makes me get really introspective, and not so much in a good way. But I often break my rule and let myself write whatever I need to write and then delete it . It's nice to get things out even if they're never published, although I really do wish that someone else could hear these things running through my head, because I know someone else out there thinks the same things and feels the same feelings. Anyway, tonight is one of those nights and I might just hit publish when I'm done.


I'm at a weird time in my life right now, which can be really awesome in certain aspects but it can also totally fucking suck. I'm 24 years old. My boyfriend is 26. We both just finished college in the last year and a half. We moved back to our hometown. We make enough money to get by. But it seems like everyone else around me is leaps and bounds ahead of us. I swear, Facebook is the root of all of these problems, because every time I go on it I see that someone I went to high school with just got married or got their dream job, and other people are having babies or taking fabulous trips around the world. And what are we doing? I work in a damn ice cream store for my dad and spend way too much time on the internet. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to sound like I'm complaining, because I cannot stand when people complain and don't do anything to fix their situations. But that's part of the problem. I'm not ready to change my situation. I'm envious of other people but I'm scared shitless to take the steps in the direction of change. It's a bizarre thing to reckon with, and I'm confronted with these feelings nearly every day. I know I'm not alone on this, I know there's plenty of other people out there that are confused and jealous and feel like they're stuck, but I don't know anyone in real life who feels that way. That's another thing, the weirdness of being a blogger. It's like I know there's a couple dozen of you reading this right now, and at least one or two of you get where I'm coming from, but I'll probably never know it. You might leave a comment, but it's not the same as sitting across from someone at a coffee shop (or a bar, where I'm more suited to having these types of conversations), and really connecting and relating to another human being. Even a phone call or a text message or an email from someone can lighten the mood, but they don't come as often as I sometimes want them to. Most of the time that's ok, though, but every once in a while I get this sinking feeling where I wish I could call up a best friend and chat and cry and giggle with her, but I don't have one of those so instead I wish for a comment or a tweet to know that someone's thinking of me. I'm making it sound like I'm desperately lonely and depressed, which could not be further from the truth. It's just something about being up late and tangential thoughts swirling around my head that makes me get in this kind of mood.

Anyway, I've rambled on about nothing for too long. I'm going to click publish, though, which is totally terrifying because I kinda want everyone to think I've got my shit together, but I guess now you'll know that sometimes I don't.

*sorry if you caught this post before I edited the photo. I couldn't handle the other one. ♥

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  1. I completely understand where you're coming from and also agree that Facebook is the root of a lot of those "What the hell am I doing with my life?!" thoughts. I unexpectedly left university this summer with no degree, found out I won't be able to get student loans so won't be able to start a new course (as I'd planned) for a long, long time, moved back home with my parents when I should have been moving in with my best friend 400 miles away and am in the middle of a fruitless job-hunt. Stuck and jealous are my middle names! The thought I hold on to when, like yourself, I get introspective late at night is that it's up to me to make things happen, no one is going to show up on my doorstep and solve all my problems for me. If you're happy with your situation or don't feel ready to change it then don't. I'm glad you hit the publish button x

  2. The grass is always Greener.... I do this to myself all the time. However the problem is your not letting yourself see what you have done to get to wear you are today. HELLO! You have been to school, you have a job helping family, you have a boyfriend who has also completed school.

    Look at wear you are - you ARE making something of yourself... life is not a race - as if it was we wouldnt be appreciating what was around us we just get to the end... and lets all agree we dont want to get to the end any faster!!!

    Dont get me wrong I do exactly what you do on a DAILY basis.
    However I fail to look back and see what I have done - what I have succeeded at and what I should be proud of.

    You will too get your dream job - you will too get married and have kids {if you choose}....

    Everyone will get there - just at a different pace. Dont be so hard on yourself {yes yes I will take my own advice}...

    Yours Truly

    read me: www.lahteadah.blogspot.com
    follow me: www.Twitter.com/QueenEarlGrey
    stalk me: www.Facebook.com/Tairalyn.Ciulla

  3. So, I've been lurking you since Kaelah posted about you (btw I really love all your dresses and you're just adorable)...but anyway, this really struck me in a way because it's kind of like, you have to consider that everyone is fighting some sort of battle or whatever that quote is; no matter how big or small the battle may be. I'm 24, only in my second year of college, and even though I'm about to get married...sometimes I don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life either, or why I'm doing it for that matter. Not even with the big stuff, but the little stupid parts of everyday existence are sometimes enough to send me into a serious ~I hate my life spiral~. Talking about your worries/stress over the internet might not be as freeing as discussing with a close friend, but do take some comfort in knowing that lots and LOTS of people do relate, and do really understand what you're feeling. Like everyone else, wherever you're meant to be, or whatever you're meant to do, you'll get there at the time that's right.

  4. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I am 26, working an okay job (not getting paid what I need), live at home still, and don't have many friends ("best friend" moved across the country 2 weeks ago). I have a lot of hope and faith in the future and know that I'm just going through a transition phase in my life, just as you are. I started my blog to make goals and to remember the days when I thought my life was at a low point is really not.

    My advice, and I'm trying to do the same, is to NOT compare yourself to anyone else. When you're ready to go to the next stage of your life it will happen. You never know what's in store for you!



  5. You’re wonderful, and everything you want and deserve will come in time. I’m going to turn 20 next year and an kind of of scared shitless and I completely understand you I’m not were I though I would be I still live at home, baby-sit, and don’t drive, I sometimes hate it I’m like 15 going on 20 but then I just have to realize it’s were my life is supposed to be at the moment and there’s nothing wrong with that and the other person that said don’t compare your life to others is completely right unless you hang around some sorry sad people you’ll never come out upbeat. Be well and try to avoid that late night thinking, but I’m soo very happy to hear that you’re normal like the rest of us glad you pushed publish :)

  6. I feel basically the exact same as you do. It gets rolling around in the middle of the night, and I notice I'm not doing anything at all, when I know the people of my past, or the people I could be friends with but can't handle females, and I envy the lives they live and start to think that I will never be amounting to things if I don't start or do anything, but then I get pissy because even though i know i don't do anything to change, I feel like it should be my time now, hahaa. And then I wake up in the morning and realize how stupid and selfish I can be sometimes, but I still get that feeling where I can get choked up because there really isn't anyone other than my fiance or my mom who I can call and bitch about how stupid i am or my life is.

    I loved your ramble, I felt like I was saying it when I was reading it, so it was relieving :)

  7. Trust me when I say that I don't mean this negatively: This post makes me feel so much better about myself! Just to know that I'm not alone in these feelings (sometimes I think something is wrong with me.) I don't have a best friend, either - except for my boyfriend, but I tend to overwhelm him and it isn't the same as having a best girl friend. I have friends that are girls, but they all seem to have that "best friend" that they've known forever. I don't know why I don't have this or if I just don't know how to connect to people on that level or I just too frequently feel uncomfortable and out of place in these situations. Also, I wrote a blog post(on an old blog) once about how I couldn't stand seeing all the prom queen perfect girls I went to high school with all over facebook STILL leading perfect lives. Sometimes I maliciously pretend that it's all just a bunch of fake pictures and they're secretly unhappy with their lives. That's a really unhealthy and negative way to look at it (I think.) I should be focusing on all the good things that have happened in my life, and where I WANT it to go, and just work on getting it there all the while maintaining a saint-like patience, but it's extremely difficult to keep sight of the positive all the time. Just know that you are not alone, and if it's any consolation coming from a weirdo on the internet, I hope and believe that things will work out for you and that some of us are just on a different schedule. Also, that picture of you is truly lovely.

  8. everybody polishes themselves up for the internet, for the world to view.
    i bet a lot of them are jealous of you too!

  9. Firstly, this is the 1st time I've ever commented on any blog that I 1read! *pats back* :D

    The timing of this is bizarre, I had the same conversation with my bf tonight. We're 2 years apart as well, 26 & 28, just getting by (not even living together, both of us have moved back with our parents for various reasons).

    Sometimes its just hard not to compare yourself to other people. Facebook definitely doesn't help!
    I'm struggling with stuff thoughts like this myself just now, good to know its not just me!

  10. I'm 26 and I know exactly how you feel. Except I live in Utah, where most people are married before they turn 20, so everyone I know has been married for years and is on their 2nd, 3rd, 4th, or 5th child. Ugh.

  11. Thank you, every single one of you has boosted my spirits! Every once in a while I have to let myself be bummed out for a while, and it was nice to get this stuff off my chest.

    I love you all, I really do!


  12. I'm giving a giant virtual hug!There are days when I feel the exact same way. I love that you blame Facebook, as you should. I realize that the people I compare myself to are people from high school I haven't talked to since I left. Why do I care what they're doing with their lives?

    I didn't like my job, so now I'm in grad school. I don't like where I live, so I am applying for jobs in a new city. But what I realized is, it all takes time. I just need to accomplish things on my time line and no one else's.

  13. thats it. we're visiting. and y'all are visiting. and we're going to fix ALL of these problems that we have! it's truly truly truly THAT simple! :P you know you can always call, tweet, text or email me! it may sound a little silly but i'm finding myself in your EXACT position right now. i know what what i want to do, but where? when? how? the little things get me stumped. so lets fix it! <3 <3 <3

  14. Hey you,

    It's good to have you back! I was missing your wonderful blog posts. I'm just sending you a little message to tell you how incredible you really are. That you are where you need to be right now and that other people are exactly where they need to be. Where you are in life is where you are supposed to be. I always compare myself to other people but in the end it just tears me down. Hold the knowledge that stuff will change right at the exact moment, not too early and not too late. Before you know it you will be the one getting married, getting the dream job, having kids or traveling the world and someone else will be sitting on their facebook thinking "look at her! man, what the hell am I doing." be at peace with yourself and your surroundings. p.s. I LOVE your button plugs! :) cheers, Emma

  15. What degree did you graduate with? Sorry if you've answered this like a million times by now, but I'm a new subscriber (I spent about an hour and a half going through your blog! love it!) and always interested in what people graduate with.
    I'm so completely terrified of graduating college because of those same kind of feelings. Already I'm seeing people who are ahead of me- getting internships, getting a car, having their own place. While I'm stuck still living in the dorms here, have to ask for rides, and have nothing that looks good on a resume. It's frustrating to think about the future for me, it all looks so grim. But everyone else seems to be making it alright, so I guess it's not the end of the world like my mind thinks it is!
    Also, I deleted my facebook because of the amount of frustration I would get from seeing other people's lives that seemed so much better than mine. So now I just blog! It's a much happier place (:
    Good luck in all that you do!!

  16. I'm so happy i found your blog i love it! I know how you feel on this topic and about late night blogging my mind get all swirled up at night its noo good lol. I'm 24 as well i went to college for fashion design but couldn't sew lol i didn't finish school and got stuck back at home then for a year and a half i opened a really successful business but recently i lost my baking space so I'm kinda stuck in a cross roads of what to do lol
    im having a holiday cookie giveway on my blog i saw you liked to bake you should come check it out if you like
    - Amanda

  17. I'm glad that I'm not the only one that facebook affects that way. It's kind of crazy how being on facebook can take me from a happy mood to the point where I'm like "Why can't my life be like that." I'm not sure if that's what it makes you feel completely but maybe similar. Reading this post though did make me feel better to know there are a lot of people dealing with this. I know that I'l probably never meet you or be in person to be like "I totally get it," but I do and I'm glad none of us are alone in this =). I'm glad you shared this.


Hey there! Thanks so much for your comment! I read every one I get, and I try to reply as much as I can. You can also email me if you want! susannahbean AT gmail DOT com.

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