Hard truths.

I really admired Ashley's post about hard truths, and I wanted to share some of mine. I try to keep my blog a lighthearted place for everyone involved, but I'm not always lighthearted. So, here we go...

We'll start off with one that pertains to blogging. I often feel like a fake when I'm posting here. It's not that I'm posting untrue things, but I'm sure everyone knows that things get edited out for whatever reason. So I feel like I'm lying when I say "I bought this cute dress today" and omit "I tried on six others that made me feel fat". I also know that each of us is so much more than what we put into our blogs, you'll never really know someone based on their internet presence. So it's kind of a losing battle for me, I started this blog as a way to connect to people, and I can in a way, but it's not the same as meeting you at a cafe or whatever and becoming friends. Which is what I really want. I want to be friends with you guys, but it's so much different online...

That last one leads me into something else that's sort of plagued my life. I've always been pretty isolated. I have two older half sisters and two younger half siblings, but I have no full siblings (even though we all call each other 'sister' or 'brother'). My sisters and I are fairly close now, but the age gap (8 and 12 years) makes it hard to relate sometimes. For the majority of my formative years, from about 8 years old until senior year in highschool, I was an only child. A lot of those years were just me and my dad, before he met my stepmom he raised me as a single dad. My dad has never really had a ton of close friends, and I think that got passed on to me. In school, I would rotate friends almost every year because by the end of the school year, whoever I was friends with would inevitably find some reason to kick me out of the group. I had a really close male friend in high school, we were best friends for about two years and it was truly my longest and closest friendship to that point. I loved the fact that it was a platonic relationship, something I'd had issues with in the past. Well, our friendship dissolved once I found out he had had feelings for me the entire time, and that combined with his new-found love for drugs was enough reason for me to back off. I've always related to guys better than girls, and I think that's definitely due to being raised by my dad, but I've always wanted a best girlfriend, who I could shop with and share clothes with, all that girly business that I've never really gotten to do.

I have a temper.

Sometimes I feel like my relationship with Chris isn't as good as other people's. Only when I think from other people's perspective, I know we're perfect together, but it isn't all sunshine and roses and passion. I see these people who have this burning and sappy love, and maybe it's just because that's not who we are, or maybe it's because we've been together so long and have been through so much, but we aren't like that. I guess we used to be, but then we came down to earth a little more. I guess I'm also a little prudish, both of us are. We like to share those things with each other, we don't need other people to see us being in love to feel approved... We know how much we love each other, and that's what matters. Every once in a while though, I feel like I'm missing something. Then I try to remember that those people who I am envious of have bad days too.

I don't want to grow up. I'm really, truly scared of being an adult.

I have a little sister who is turning seven in late July. She's beautiful, smart, kind, loving, and hilarious. And she's autistic. Technically, she just falls under the umbrella term of 'autism'. Her diagnosed disorder (so far) is Sensory Integration Disorder, but in order to get the assistance she needs through the public schools she attends she's labeled as autistic. Not that it really matters what her technical diagnosis is. She has not developed normally. Sometimes I feel so nervous about her life. It's easy to see her as a happy little kid, but I start thinking about her as an adult. It's very scary. But then I remember that it is my job to support her, in whatever way necessary, and that if I can continue to help her live a happy and healthy life then she'll be fine. I am currently trying to get my dad and stepmom to change their will to give me custody of her (and our younger brother) should anything go wrong. I think that's about all I'll share about that. I'm very protective of her, almost fiercely so...

I'm not so sure if I want to publish this post. Revealing these things is terrifying! But I hope you can learn something about me, and maybe you can find the courage to share some scary things about yourself.



  1. Oh I know exactly what you mean.
    I try to include as much as my life as possible when blogging (even the bad). When I read other blogs and I see how they are always happy and it seems like nothing ever goes wrong in their life, it makes me feel like I'm missing something. Like what am I doing wrong here?

    I hate when I see other people's relationships and it seems like they don't fight or anything. Like is that real or are they just putting on a show?

    As for the friend part, again I know what you mean. I've never had any close friends and its depressing to think about. Like some days I just want a girls day where I can go out with a girlfriend and go shopping, have lunch, get our nails done, etc. Although I really can't stand girls that much so its hard.


  2. This is so beautiful. I think everyone should do a post like this. I was literally shaking when I posted mine.

    I can totally relate to the friends thing. It is hard for me to make lasting friendships, and as you probably know from my blog, zach and I always spend time with other guys, his friends. Not that we aren't friends as well, but it's different with guys. I have never had a best friend in my adult life, well since middle school. I think it may have something to do with the fact that I have always had boyfriends & tend to put them before my friends. I do have a sister close to my age, she means the world to me, but I rarely see her.

    The best thing I have discovered through my blog, is the people. I love having like-minded people to relate to. People in my real life think I am stuck up & strange.

  3. this is very inspiring! I enjoy reading your posts.

  4. it seems that we are very much alike. i have also had strange relationships with girls growing up and still today have no real "best friend" to go shopping with or get coffee with, etc. just like ashley, most of the girls i know think im just too weird!
    i started my blog hoping to connect and find some people like me. i think i have and i am so happy :)

  5. This post is simply beautiful.

    I can relate to pretty much everything you said. I often feel like I'm omitting things from my blog...the less-than-pretty details, the odd things that happened in the meantime, etc...it sometimes makes me feel like I'm lying, in a sense. But, I'm searching for positivity in my life, so I don't want to post those things, you know?
    But I can especially relate to the best girlfriend bit...I've trained my mind to think that I don't need a best girlfriend, because I've never had one...the girls I grew up with were only your friend to your face, and I just didn't fit in with them. But, I know deep-down that I would love to have a best friend.
    I have made some wonderful friends through my blog, though!

    I think I may try to do a post like this, as well. If I can work up the courage. C:
    It's nice to be able to relate to someone every once in a while.

    xoxo, Allie.

  6. Thank you all for your comments, you are all such amazing girls that I admire so much! It means a lot to me that you would share your stories with me, and each other. And a big thanks to Ashley for inspiring me (and others!) to post some of the not-so-easy stuff!


  7. I totally agree about other people's "perfect" lives. I'm currently waiting for my divorce to come through from my abusive husband and my current partner and I have a 15 month old daughter [oh and even with that, I still feel like a child in adults clothing!!!]. The thing is my current partner wouldn't even be in a relationship with my until our daughter was 5 months old [yes she was planned!] and because he has really bad OCD I've never been on a date with him. He won't go out, he won't eat my cooking... I can't even make him a cup of tea. I mean the great flip side to that is that he makes all the dinners and tea.... butttt because his OCD revolves around sickness and getting ill he'll only make pasta. I've eaten pasta now for about 3 years [nearly] everyday... The frustration I feel when I see other people with their "perfect" lives nearly kills me. Even something as stupid as your Chris eating his lemon cake!!! That to me is perfect. I think each of us has the perfect life... it's just that we can't see it. Someone else is looking at us somewhere... be it IRL or online and thinking... I wish I was them.
    I think you are stunning, articulate, mature, thoughtful, REAL [I love the fact you said about the cigarette!], kind, intelligent, so damn photogenic.... seriously this list could go on and on but I feel like it's starting to sound stalker-esque [it's okay, I live in Northern Ireland, I can't get to you!!!!!].
    Also I'm glad you had a nice early birthday surprise!!


  8. I'm not really in the blogspot ring (i prefer livejournal ;) ) but i just had to let you know that everything you wrote is real and honest and that makes it (and YOU!) beautiful inside and out! no one is perfect. and we all need to admit to ourself that the people who post positive/happy things every single day out of the year are NOT being real. they put up a front and its inspiring for a while, but at the same time it makes us, the readers, feel terrible about our own lives. its a vicious cycle.

    also, i couldnt relate more when you talked about your friendships. i have had such bad experiences with girl best friends that i have steered clear of girls since i got out of high school [3 years ago!]. but that doesnt mean that i wouldnt kill to have that go-to girl that accepts me for everything that i am. having guy friends is so much easier! they dont question anything and our conversations are intellectual as opposed to materialistic and shallow ended. i wish that i will someday find this in a woman.

    one more thing, someone mentioned this up there and i couldnt agree more "I think each of us has the perfect life... it's just that we can't see it." its so true. all of your followers admire you for one reason or the other. personally, i started following you regularly because you do have that "real" quality that i have trouble finding in other bloggers.

    sorry for the novel! keep your perfectly flawed chin up, girl :)

  9. i loved this post! it was so unbelievably real, which is so rare for a blog. i really admire how in your blog, you manage to post the negativity while still maintaining aver upbeat blog. i imagine you do the same in your real life too! after just reading your blog for only a couple of weeks, i feel like i know you! i havent read many blogs which make me feel quite that way.

    and about the lovey stuff, ive noticed that most couple are only lovey when they have something to prove, either to themselves or to the world. so congrats on being comfortable enough with chris to be natural! that's the kind of relationship im dying to have!


Hey there! Thanks so much for your comment! I read every one I get, and I try to reply as much as I can. You can also email me if you want! susannahbean AT gmail DOT com.

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