I'm sitting here at close to one in the morning, typing and deleting, retyping, deleting... I have things I want to talk about but I don't know if I can because it's scary to share stuff like this. The embarrassing stuff, the things that you're not good at, the things that make you feel bad. But I also think it's important to share that stuff, for yourself and for someone else who may find some comfort in your words. Plus I've been feeling very fluffy on this little blog lately, so why not get real for a change?
I've been unemployed for about two and a half months. I know in the grand scheme of unemployment many people face much longer stretches of joblessness, so two and a half months doesn't seem all that bad. But it's getting kinda bad for me. At first I enjoyed being unemployed. I had all this time to get my house clean and keep it that way (I got down to one dirty basket of laundry!). I was baking left and right. I was designing new stuff for the shop. And while I was doing all of that I was applying to jobs. I was choosy at first, picturing myself in that job and applying if I thought I would like it. I wasn't going to apply to any retail stores or restaurants. I wanted that part of my life to be over. And I kept saying to myself (and others) "It's only been a week/two weeks/three weeks" or "It's barely been a month" to justify the fact that I hadn't gotten a single call back.
But now I'm edging closer and closer to three months, facing the fact that I'll probably start the new year unemployed, and it's really starting to affect me. I'm finding that I don't really handle rejection well. I was all but certain of this before, but I'm realizing that it doesn't just bum me out a little, instead it stokes a million insecure feelings in me that shake me to the core. I've been questioning everything. Am I smart? Am I a good person? Am I worthwhile? And these are things I know the answers to, I know the answer is YES!!! to all of them. But not getting a single phone call has really hurt me. I can't help but think that it's me, it's my fault, because it's definitely no one else's. I still have an inkling of rationality left that says "no, you aren't inherently undesireable!", but sometimes the other side weighs heavier on my heart. I left my job because it was an unhealthy situation for everyone involved, and I thought that the hurtful things that were said wouldn't hurt once I didn't hear them anymore. But they still sting, and they make these new insecurities even harder to battle.
For a little while I was excited that maybe my shop could sustain me. I had a couple good weeks and I felt so fulfilled with that, and hopeful that maybe I could make this dream a fraction of a reality (for a little while), and then... nothing. Which is fine. I never intended for my shop to be my new job. But it would be cool... Pipe dreams, though. The reality is that all I want in life, what I feel like would complete me right now, is an office job. I know, right? Most people talk of office jobs like they're torture, but to me that seems like a dream. I want to have weekends off. I want to wear nice clothes to work. I want to be around adults (I primarily worked with high school students before). I don't care if I'm low on the food chain. But I have absolutely no office experience. My resumé is seriously sparse. I worked for my family in a restaurant all throughout high school and my first two years of community college, then once I graduated from a university two years later I came back, "just for six months". I stayed for four years. I hate that I'm in the middle of my twenties and haven't had an ~adult~ job yet.
For the last week or so I've been pretty sad about this whole situation. I've been confronting all these things about myself, and a lot of them I'm working through in a positive way, which is rad! But I let some things get to me, and drag me down. I haven't applied anywhere for at least a week because it was easier to ignore it than face more rejection.
I'm starting to feel like I'm on an upswing, and I want to start applying again. I feel good about myself and proud of who I am and what I offer! I just need to convince someone else of that. It's a hard thing to do, especially for someone like me who's used to playing it safe, but I'm ready.
If you read all of that, thank you. If you didn't, I understand. It was just nice to get it out :)